My c*nt, my will|Fiction

"I admit what I've been doing isn't right, deplorable, in the eyes of both men and God" she started with her head hanging low, both hands clasping each other at her navel and eyes fixed to the ground. Her rented apartment in Munirka was crampy and dingy at best, with no window for the sun and the moon or for that matter, any celestial bodies to have a peekaboo. 

Angry and furious eyes were staring at her with disdain, fiercest among them were those who apprehended her red-handed in the act at a nearby park with a local few hours ago. It was already half past one on a chilly winter night in Delhi.

"We don't have all night, tell us about your filthy modus operandi" someone, who was out attending a phone call, thundered on his way back into the overcrowded room. The president of the student body, seated on a plastic chair, calmly responded "Let's listen to her first. Please save what you've to say at the end". 

"If I hadn't heard a preacher said about suicide once in my adopted church, I'd have already done so, some years back..." 

"What do you meant by adopted church?" someone cut her short.

"Until now, nobody, not even my own bro, was interested about me. Thanks for asking"

"Don't patronize me, b*tch"

"Don't you call me by that name ever again"

"That's what you're. Did you deny being one?"

"I thought you're here because you're concerned about my well being. Yes, I'm... I'm a sl*t, a wh*re. But my c*nt, my will..."

"Enough! Please guys, maintain decorum. We're here not to wage a war. And you, if you have no self respect left, it's fine by me but I want you to respect my chair as the leader of the student body" Mr President intervened.

"I was just into my teens when my ailing father died and my bro and sis-in-law sent me to an officer's house in a distant town as maid. Life was hard as a refugee, I don't blame them. The family where I worked fed me and clothed me but I wasn't paid. My bro would come once in six months and would take whatever amount madam finds it proper".

At this, the sneering and the occasional jibes died down, she resumed "I did everything I could, ranging from cooking to putting the baby to sleep at night but was rarely appreciated. Sometime I wept silent tears. Sahib's driver saw me weeping one day, he consoled me. From that day, I took him as the bro I never had. Steadily, I fell in love with him. He said he loved me, more than I did, and promised to marry me. We developed an illicit relationship. But it turns out that son of a b*tch was only taking undue advantage of my plight. I became pregnant but had to abort..."

Tears, brimming in her eyes for some time, was now rolling down her cheeks, unrestrained, she wiped with one hand and whined. Then with all her might she fought back her tears and resumed "I feigned sickness and on the pretext of visiting a doctor, I'd an abortion. Perhaps, God punish me for that sin. After that he despised me and treated me with contempt. He broke my heart. He also threatened to kill me if I told ma'm and sahib, anything concerning that... I was so naive. 

But true to what is said-' truth can't be hidden', word got out in the open. I didn't tell any living soul. Madam fired me. I had to go back to my bro's place but the worst was yet to come. My happenstance spread like wild fire and the stigma embedded to curse people like me was so ferocious that my own bro kicked me out of his house. I had nowhere to go. I tried to take my own life but the word of that preacher kept ringing and I couldn't. May be, I was too weak to take the plunge then or at any point of time. I regret having not done so, now. If I had I won't trouble you, bring any bad name to my people and community"

"I'm sorry for your misadventure" a reps of South Delhi of the student body broke his silence.

"I think she's taking us for a ride. We shouldn't be cowered by such make-believe sob story. Hey you! I know very well you filthy folks, you think we're a bunch of fools" thundered the guy who, in the beginning, had a verbal duel with her.

"Continue" said the GS of the student body.

"What's the point in unraveling my sordid tales; tales which I tried burying all these years? What would I gain in fooling those who has concern for me? Believe me, I'm telling the truth. My family; near and far disown me. Even my own clan and tribe including those not known to me did the honor of ostracizing me.

Society, at large, literally, killed me. So, I fled to an unknown place, wishing the vehicle plying on the road would take my life. Walking on foot without any itinerary sans food, for several days, I must have fainted. I woke up in somebody's verandah. Later I learnt that the madam of the house picked me up from the roadside. She fed me and let me stay at her house for a week. Then one day she said she had a pregnant sis in Delhi badly in need of a help. She would pay me 5,000 rupees p.m. if I was willing. Without batting an eyelid, I jumped at the offer and grabbed it with both hands. She accompanied me to Delhi by train and on the third day we reached her sis’s place. She introduced me to her hubby first, they were a loving couple. Then, they both showed me around the kitchen and in an inexplicable way, I felt like being back to where I belong; all set to do what I do best and was grateful to God for giving me a second chance.

A day went by, all well and fine. Then, a week whisked by. The next Sunday they took me to a church, attending a service in a strange land, which too, in my own tongue was a huge sigh of relief. I asked God for forgiveness and prayed silently but fervently to strengthen me as I intent to lead life afresh. After the service, we went to an open eatery, which I presumed now is Nagaland House and had pork. There we met, another family, known to the couple and madam introduced me to them. I was asked some regular questions and without second thought I replied them all with a smile. The next week, after I was done with the chores, I went up to madam who, as usual, was glued to the TV watching her favorite Hindi soap. Having studied only up to standard IV, I could speak little English but Hindi I know enough to watch what the Idiot box churns out day in and day out. And madam needs company to watch her daily dose of ‘saas bahu’ saga as she herself told me the previous week. But that day she acted strange; she was not half the lady I presumed her to be. I thought I must have put too much chilies or too much salt in the curry. But she started finding faults in almost everything I touch.

But sahib put my fear to rest. He told me that almost all expecting woman is like a landmine and it would be okay soon. Okay didn't happen. The Mrs of the family we met in Nagaland House did a frantic background search and scoop up enough fodder for their round the clock gossip. I can't right the wrongs I did and I don't mind if someone brings that up but madam suspected me of 'honey trapping' sahib, her hubby who, by nature, is a kind and caring soul. Even after knowing her accusation, I prayed all the more to God, to give me the strength I badly needed. Things turned for the ultimate worse; their blissful married life was in jeopardy because of my presence in their home. It was then I decided to leave their home but with their knowledge.

Sahib knew a girl about my age, from his village, working in a BPO, staying alone in Motibagh and asked her to accommodate me until something amicable was chalked out. Luckily, she was happy to comply. Sahib still believes he could reason with his wife and dispel her suspicion. But I was, on the other hand, stern with my decision- I wasn't going to set my foot ever again in their home. Through my new host, I got into contact with a friend, who was working in a spa and staying in Munirka. The sudden death of her colleague, in mysterious circumstances, left an urgent opening in her work place. Through her I got the job as masseuse. By then, the BPO girl had to go home to get married and she couldn't say if she'll be back as her supposed to be in-law won't take too kind in her doing a night shift job after marriage so it was best I find a new place to stay.

It had to be the one who find me a masseuse job. We stayed together and went to the same work place together. Despite the whispers doing the round about those working in a spa, we were decent to the core, unblemished and were, inside, proud to stand on our own feet. It went on fine for about a year and a half. But as the atrocities and discrimination against North East Indian folks in metros took a drastic turn, we were, one day, handed the pink slip without any clarification from our boss. With whatever li'l saving we had, we a.s.a.p. went for interview at any job opening; be it in restaurant, showroom or even beauty parlor but our looks was the road block. As a result, my roomie went home but I had nowhere to go back to. I got into contact with our neighbor who works in the red light area. That became my source of sustenance. I was beaten, sometime s*d*mize but there was no other alternative. For the past weeks, police had been cordoning off the place so the likes of us were out of work.

I asked for help, with the promise of paying back a.s.a.p. but lending money to a wh*re is a hundredfold sin than bribing so the doors I knocked shunned me, with a derogatory remark i'll take it with me to my grave. Then, I met a prospective customer this eve that eventually brought me here" 

Those who have ears and were listening raptly were now misty eyed and beginning to look down, blankly at the mosaic tiled floor. There was uneasy calm; even the litter the wind caress and fondles outside, on the street could be audible from the room now. 

"If what you say is true, I'm sorry to hear that. Where has humanity, forget about family, clan and tribe, gone when we needed the most? And under the circumstances you're in, why did those kept tinkering boisterously? As a society we failed you and as men we falter to protect you. Charity begins at home but our mission has always been outside and beyond in the name of expanding our kingdom when all about us, ourselves, are but refugee" lamented the South Delhi reps. 

"We can't just sit idle and watch when our pride and name of the community is at stake. What do you want us to do with you?" running his hand over his head Mr Pres asked. 

"Seriously, I don’t know. I'm ready to reap what I sow" she said. 

"Come and stay with me until you sort out this mess. I'm not doing you a favor. It's my way of saying sorry " mumbled her-awhile-ago-critic and foe. He not only surprised everyone but himself. "Damn it! This is so f**king unbelievable" he muttered to himself.